Great Interviews Of The 21st Century, No. 1: Kola Kubes

from Sweet Tooth: The Ballad Of Kola Kubes

Kola was booked on a morning show. I knew it meant nothing but trouble. She had no business being on that early, specially after stripping late fourteen nights straight. She had no sleep. She was bleary-eyed. She looked drunk or high or both. She was bundled in a leopardskin mini. Her make-up was thick and wet. She giggled out a greeting. The guy presenter looked nervous. He made jokes about feeling fragile. He crossed his legs. The woman looked stern, disapproving. Kola giggled some more. He said, ‘big night?' She said, ‘uh-huh.' He couched a bunch of soft questions over how she was getting used to freedom. She slurred out answers. She flashed looks off-stage. She tugged at her top. It rode up her thighs. Her hair was frizzed. Her skin was sweat-glossy. The guy asked a question about how she felt raking in the cash over what she did.

MALE PRESENTER: Some people have an issue with you clearly profiting frmo what you did..

KOLA: I don't sleep awake, if that's what you're getting at.

MALE PRSEENTER [frowns]: You don't look like you get much sleep at all.

KOLA: [giggles] Nuh-huh [pause] I got branded, you know? I got branded. You want to see? [Kola starts to stand up]

MALE PRESENTER: It's a bit early for that sort of thing.

KOLA: It's never too late [Kola pulls a face at someone off stage, burps, giggles]

KOLA: [to man] You look hot.

MALE PRESENTER: Have you had a few stiffeners?

KOLA: I wish. Have you?

FEMALE PRESENTER: [cuts in] You were found guilty of quite an horrific crime.. [Kola gurns] ..nevertheless, a lot of people - a lot of women's groups, battered women's groups, feminists - they supported you through your trial. Supported your appeal. Because nobody's denying you suffered some horrific acts of violents against you.. but don't you think, with these posters, these centrefolds, how do you reconcile.. aren't you doing these groups a disservice? Aren't you, in a sense, throwing their support back in their faces?

KOLA: Nope. [pause] I ain't wearing no knickers. [Male presenter looks off-stage, frowns. Female presenter flaps the cake slice poster]

FEMALE PRESENTER: I mean, this poster..

KOLA:[under breath] Battered my arse.

FEMALE PRESENTER: Pardon?

KOLA: I said, battered my arse. I mean, I ain't against them or nothing, but, like, look at them. Look at them! I mean, some of them..

FEMALE PRESENTER: They make it up?

KOLA: I ain't saying..

FEMALE PRESENTER: They bring it on themselves?

KOLA: You're putting words.. you know, you gotta look after your man. You gotta give him what he wants. You gotta, you know, put some gob in it. You gotta look hot. [looks in camera, squeezes boobs] You got to get yourself some of these!

MALE PRESENTER [fumbling earpiece]: There's talk they might be getting bigger still..

KOLA: Oh, uh-huh. Yeah. You know what's the biggest boob size? Thirty-eight triple K. That's, like, a whole alphabet still to go! [waggles boobs] I'm having them filled with gelatine. You know what I mean? Like, jelly. Raspberry flavour. So they'll taste real sweet, you know? [Kola looks off-stage, mouths 'now?' She unfastens her top. Her boobs flop out]

KOLA: You want a lick? You want a lick, babe, huh? [Kola starts to stand. The camera swerves out, blurs up]

After the weather, the two sat stone-eyed on the sofa. Kola was long gone. The guy apologised. The woman glared hate. They changed their planned phone-in. They had a heap of women call in over what Kola had said. One said, 'she's a disgrace to womanhood.' Another said, 'she is frankly obscene.' Course, it hit the papers big-time.

Movie Reviews

Hey guys - I like a good review as much as the next girl, and I'll do just about anything to get it!

Here's what some of my favourite critics said about Sweet Tooth:


How do you fall in love with a girl who you fear might slice your dick off? Easy – watch ‘Sweet Tooth' – the biggest thing to hit porn since Linda Lovelace woke up one fine day and discovered she had a clit in her throat - XXX Video News

Kubes has an extraordinary quality in front of the camera. She's as slick as the oil that spouts from Doctor Malteser's machine in that unforgettable threesome scene. Quite simply, the porno flick of this and any other year – NYX

Most big-boobed girls are prepared to let their tits do the talking. Not Kola Kubes. They just provide the perfect front for a performance so powerful, so believable, so goddamn horny, it explodes the myth that when the implants go in, the first thing that makes room for them is acting ability – Adult Movie Review

Take the bunch of nerds who gave brought us the Blair Witch Project, sex them up a bit and have them set about doing something far more useful. The result is one of the finest porno movies of modern times – and it's not nearly so scary - Scratch

Who is Clint Buckle? And more importantly, where the hell do I find him? – Hot Boys

It's a ludicrously low-budget flick that manages to pull off the near-impossible – high humour and seriously hot sex – all at the same time. It's a blueprint for a whole new generation of have-a-go pornos which are sure to follow. Though this one will take some beating - Cortina

Cunningly conceived.. sloppily executed* (* - sloppy in this case, is a good thing) – True Blue

Imagine Lazarus crawling out of his tomb with a ten-inch wanger. Well, you've pretty much sussed the story of Roscoe Williams right there – Porn Daily

I defy anyone to witness the scene between Kola and Peachy Bonbon in Doctor Malteser's office and not reach for the treacle right away – Gordy Raich, LA Talent

Oh baby, you can slice my dick off any day – Mike Gwar, The Mike Gwar Show

The plot's so contrived it plumbs new depths, even in the world of hardcore porno (supposedly - we can't say we noticed) - Spillage

A movie that needs no sugar-coating: Kubes' charm, wit and instinct in front of the camera is every bit as impressive as her other, more noticeable assets, and hints at future mainstream success – London Review

The final scene is so seminal it deserves to be ranked among the greatest ever shot – and we mean the greatest. It's the shower scene from Psycho, it's De Niro babbling in the mirror in Taxi Driver, it's Rocky sprinting up those city hall steps. It's all of those mixed with 40G boobs and some of the hottest, stickiest sex that's ever been shot – Adult Film Database

My first holiday!

I miss those times!