New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve has always been a very special time for me. I've spent it in a heap of different places. I've spent it with the girls in prison waiting trial for slicing off my future husband Roscoe's you-know-what. I've spent it in car back seats and five-star suites. I've even spent it glooped up in a giant tub of Jell-O in a hotel in Mississippi one time as part of an advert promo. It took days to wash the stain out, but the cash made for a fine start to the new year, I can tell you that much. But maybe my most special one of them all was the night I lost gave up my virginity to a boy back in Fryup for a bag of kola kubes. I suppose you could say it's the night that set me off to where I am today. If I had a pound for every made-up story about where and when I lost my virginity, I'd have more than I got for lounging in that tub of Jell-O, I can tell you that much. Well, here's the truth. It was with a boy named Kirk. He was two years older. He'd been after it for ages and I wouldn't give it up. Things changed that night when I spotted a bag of kola kubes in his pocket. Me having such a sweet tooth and all, I was up for swapsies before he could even pull the bag out. We finished on the stroke of midnight. It didn't hurt as much as I'd thought. He sweet-breathed 'Happy new year' in my ear. I clanked his kola kubes round the backs of my buck-teeth.

Happy New Year!

Kola's XXXmas Sex Quiz!

How about this for a little festive fun! Send your answers to the e-mail address on the right. All ten-out-of-tens win free downloads of my upcoming biography, Sweet Tooth!


1 Who was voted the first Vivid Girl by Vivid Entertainment?

2 What is the name of the character played by Kay Parker in the 1980 film Taboo?

3 Who directed the multi award-winning 1980 film, Talk Dirty To Me?

4 What is the name of Marilyn Chambers' character in Insatiable?

5 What is the name of the cheerleading squad in Debbie Does Dallas?

6 Who played John Holmes in the 2003 mainstream movie Wonderland?

7 What are the first names of the two Kane sisters in Blonde Ambition?

8 Who whipped Wall Street in 1981?

9 Who played Misty Beethoven in the 2004 musical remake?

10 Which university's debating union did Jenna Jameson address in 2001 on the subject of 'The House Believes That Porn is Harmful'?

Fan Questions!

OK, here's the first batch!

What is your favourite position? (Lee, London)

Doggy style. It's how I started out and I never saw much cause to change.

What was your most embarrassing moment? (Barbara, Dallas)

Stripping buck naked on the stage at the XVNs that time takes some beating. Yeah, it was nothing folk in the room hadn't seen before. But still, I learned that day there are better ways of protesting not making the shortlist.

If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be? (David, Munich)

I know it sounds crazy, but I'd just love for my boobs to be a teensy bit bigger. My boobs are who I am, and the bigger they get the more whole I feel.

If you weren't a porno superstar, what would you be? (Kirk, Lincoln)

I guess I would have been a pop star or worked with horses. Why my life has taught me is that if you set to mind to something you can achieve it, no matter what.

What advice would you give a girl looking at entering the porn industry? (Kim, Kansas)

Know who to impress, and how to impress them.

Ginger Lynn

People often ask me, Kola, which four people, living or dead, would you invite round to your fantasy dinner party? My answer is always the same: Ginger Lynn, Ginger Lynn, Ginger Lynn and Ginger Lynn! More than anyone else she made me who I am today. I remember chancing on my step-dad's pirate copy of New Wave Hookers when I was twelve years old. There was something about her that was almost hypnotic. I went to bed that night full of excitement, knowing what I wanted to make of my life. Without Ginger Lynn, maybe the world wouldn't have heard of Kola Kubes. Maybe she'd still be that same old buck-tooth, flat-chested kid, clocking off at a factory or serving up sausage butties down the chippy. I owe Ginger Lynn my life. I only wish I could get to meet her one day, to make my thank you a whole lot more personal!

Let It Snow

First signs of snow, I used to like nothing better than to head up into the Fryup forest and tear off all my winter woolies! Here's a couple of early shots I had my brother snap. I miss those times!

XXXmas Box

Hi, I'm Kola Kubes, and I love Christmas!

People often ask me, Kola, what is it that makes it so special to you? Well, you might find this hard to figure, but when it comes to describing it I struggle to find the words. The way I see it, there's a whole heap of folk better able to tell it like I feel, and one of them's David Essex.
I still get goose-bumps every time I hear Winter's Tale. It takes me back to the night I was curled up on the back seat of Wayne Thackeray's Datsun Cherry round the back of the Kwik Save, sucking on a post-shag Superking. All of a sudden Wayne's hardcore acid house tape clunked to a stop and sent the radio crackling into life, drifting a few precious seconds of David Essex out of his souped-up Kenwood speakers for the whole of Fryup to hear.

it was only a winter's tale
just another winter's tale
sny why should the world take notice
of one more love that's failed

I swear at that exact same moment, the first virgin flakes of snow began to fall. It was a magical scene, and to me it was a sign that from there on in I should make every Christmas an extra-special one, even if it meant shacking back up with the Wayne Thackerays of this world beneath the fluffy dice. Luckily it didn't come to that. Soon as I went and got my first boob job I found a whole lot better things that Datsun Cherries to curl up in.
One guarantee about being an adult movie icon is that you never go short of friends, specially when it comes the time to hand out presents. You find friends you never knew you had and other folk who poured nothing but scorn at least till the cash started rolling in. I've done some crazy things in my time, but giving a brand new Pontiac Firebird to a high school kid on the basis of a one-night stand just about takes the biscuit. I loved that kid, though, and even since our quickie divorce I still wear the friendship bracelet he made me in return. Funny how a silly bit of string's survived through all these years yet that Firebird got totalled in a tree within a week. I've never been big on the moral of the story or any other morals come to that, but I guess it shows Christmas isn't all about cash and fast cars. I learned the hard way it's something a whole lot deeper than that.

Ever since that night in the Kwik Save car park, when ever I've found myself at a cross-roads in my life I've been able to credit that song for helping me through it, and that's one of the reasons I decided to record a cover version. Since I was a little girl I'd always dreamed of appearing on Top Of The Pops and the idea that a plain old buck-toothed, flat-chested kid from Fryup could one day challenge for the Christmas number one seemed just a fairytale to me. I still hand on heart believe I could have done it if the copyright wrangles and the legal mess over the song's XXX-rated video hadn't stalled its release till February. Apparently it was David's people who kicked up the stink. I can tell you I lost a whole load of respect from him that day. Matter of fact I ripped up all the old Look In! centrefolds of him smiling up out of that neck-chief that I'd kept through the years for the times I felt low. Whatever, the song still helped open a whole new chapter in my life, and I guess I ought to be grateful for that. If it touched just one other person in the same way it touched me in the Kwik Save car park that night, then I reckon it was all worthwhile.

I guess you're wondering what ever happened to that super-skimpy Santa outfit I wore in my controversial Christmas nativity movie, Kola's XXXmas Box. Well, the answer is I save it for special occasions, and far as I'm concerned there's no more special an occasion than Christmas Day itself! Last Christmas, I hooked up with a few friends and the camera crew who are filming pilots for my new reality show, Kola & Co - which we expect to air on cable shortly - and we drove round LA tossing out chocolate money to the poor and needy. I know how lucky I've been in my life and it was just my little way of giving something back to those less fortunate. The looks on those poor folks' faces when I unfurled out the van in that sexy little outfit of mine - it was like all their Christmases had come at once!

My charity work has always been very special to me but it is not something I much like to talk about. At my Kola Kubes Foundation, which provides advice and support to young girls looking to find their feet in the adult entertainment industry, we have a tradition of each year cooking up a little Christmas party of our own. Cherry, one of my assistants, hauls in whole trays of the best mince pies you've ever tasted from the Wal-Mart over the way, and we ship in supplies of my favourite super-strength lager from back home specially for the occasion. We have a tradition of playing Secret Santa with a difference: we pull pairs of names out of one of my double G-cup bras and the winners are the first couple to get it on there and then! I'm proud to say I've won it six years straight - even the year I got paired with our old Korean cleaner!

Like the song says, it's the season for love and understanding, not that I knew it when I was growing up back home in Fryup in that little long-stay static of ours. It was like Christmas didn't hardly exist. We would sometimes have a fold-out tree and a few sprigs of tinsel hanging limp around the place. Mum would string a line of red fairy lights across the window when the nights drew in. I remember reckoning it was a sign to show Santa we were waiting up for him. Funny though, all kinds of blokes would get attracted by those lights of ours and there wasn't a single one of them showed up in a Santa outfit. As for stockings, the first I set sight on were the pair I swiped from the Woolies and pulled over my knees when I was twelve years old to impress the boys. Mum used to say Santa must have run out once he'd finished in town, how that somehow made us special as we had what we had and knew how to be thankful. If we'd been specially good, she'd let us scoff out the coconut eclairs from the bottom of the Quality Street. Most Christmas Days, mum and her new bloke would be off down the pub for the early-hours lock-in bright and early, and leave my brother Bobby and me to fend for ourselves. If we were lucky, we'd find an out-of-date pack of Crispy Pancakes in the back of the fridge. Bobby would fry them up and we'd eat them huddled on the sofa in front of the Christmas movie. We'd be long gone to bed by the time mum and her new bloke rolled back in from the pub, and if they were full enough of festive spirits they'd sometimes drag us out and feed us crisps and fizzy pop. Other times, they'd keep us awake with their shouting and the rest of it right through to Boxing Day dawn.
As we got older, Bobby and me used Christmas to have a little more fun. What with mum and her new bloke pretty much camped out down the Hounds, we'd guarantee the place to ourselves. By then I'd started posing up for the Polaroids and some of the best I had Bobby take were of me sprawled almost nude on the couch, wrapped in just a twist of tinsel or pouting up in a Santa hat under mistletoe. One Christmas morning Bobby handed me a present stuck up in a brown paper bag. It was the first wrapped gift I'd ever got and I'll be honest, it could have had a lump of coal inside and I'd still have been happy. I tore it open and found a copy of Razzle with one of my tinsel shots in the Readers' Wives. I burst out crying and tugged Bobby close. To me it was the first sign that I should follow my dream, that I wasn't going to be living my life the same way for much longer. Me and Bobby have had our differences over the years, but I'll never forget that moment. To me that copy of Razzle was and always will be a better Christmas present than Santa could ever bring.

Some folk are surprised to hear me say that I'm a very spiritual person. Just because of what I do for my day job, it doesn't mean I don't have feelings, and I'm proud to say I've never forgotten the real meaning of Christmas. By now, everybody knows the story of how Bobby and me would clamber up on the church roof when we were kids and he'd egg me on to give them a flash through the vestry window. At Christmas I'd pull on my special pair of musical Santa knickers for the purpose. The way I saw it, I was giving some of the old dears down below a festive treat they'd never forget! Looking back now, it's a chapter of my life I'm not too proud of. I've come to learn there are some folk out there who don't like what I do and never will. I don't have a problem with that, just so long as they get on with living their lives and let me live mine. Sad to say I've found out the hard way there are some who will have nothing but hate in their hearts for me, and no matter how I try to go about my business, nothing's going to change that till I'm six foot under.
When I came up with the idea for my Christmas movie, Kola's XXXmas Box, I honestly had no idea of the controversy it would create. I've lost count of the number of times folk have asked me, Kola, if you had your time again would you still have done that movie? My answer is always the same: hell yeah. Sure I'm sorry for the innocent folk who got caught up in the riot that day, the distributor guy who lost a finger opening that awful threat letter, my couple of co-stars who got knocked cold by placards at the stable shoot. I've been through enough in my life for none of that shit to scare me. My biggest regret is that XXXmas Box got taken off the nominations for the XVNs. My six XVN awards mean so much to me, and I'm convinced XXXmas Box would have swept the board. We shot the movie in two days in my co-star Chesty Coceres' place in the Hollywood hills. We’d had to scrap the location shoots over security once Fox News got wind and ran that piece about our so-called porno nativity that got the fundamentals frothed up so much. Okay, so Chesty’s place didn’t look too much like a stable but that’s when we came up with the idea to change the plot a little, find a way of persuading the inn-keeper to get us a room for the night! I still say my scene with the three wise men was one of the most satisfying of my career. It’s just too bad it was never made public for my millions of fans to enjoy. By that point the fundamentals had scared everyone enough to not go near it. There was the odd scene that got spliced in some straight-to-videos, and there’s a bunch of stills you can see exclusive on my website, kolakubes.blogspot.com, but that’s about all. To say I was angry is an understatement. I’d dreamed that XXXmas Box could do for the porn industry what Merry Christmas Everyone did for the festive charts, only a bunch of narrow-minded folk who probably never saw a fake pair of tits in their whole lives saw it different. Well, if those folk are going to keep hunting me down till I’m dead and gone I guess we’ll have to let God be the judge. One thing’s for sure, the day I reach those pearly gates I’ll be wearing my super-skimpy Santa outfit – if that doesn’t swing it, nothing will!

I guess every one of my Christmases has been special in its own way. Each one helped make me into a little more of the woman I am today, and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. I remember the first year I was married to Roscoe, it was just after we'd shot our world-famous porno-biography, Sweet Tooth, and we were superstars - he could have wrapped up almost half the Vegas Strip as a gift if he'd wanted. Instead he drove me out in the desert where we waited up swigging Southern Comfort for the stroke of midnight. Then we made love on a blanket luminated by the lights of our rented pick-up – and guess which song he'd had burned to CD specially for the purpose?! It was right then I thought back to the Christmas I spent with Wayne Thackeray in his Datsun Cherry round the back of the Kwik Save, and truly came to realise just how far I’d come.
I would love to head back to Fryup and give my mum a taste of the Christmases we missed growing up. Because of her medication mum can't fly, but I always make sure to wrap and send a bunch of my latest videos so she has a little piece of me to keep her company on Christmas morning. Sometimes I find myself wishing I was back there, necking pints with the boys in the Hounds, maybe teasing out a quick strip on top of the pool table before picking my way back to the static through the glooped-up lanes. Most of those boys I grew up with are married and moved out now and there's fresh folk moved in who act up like they own the place, would raise merry hell at the thought of me heading home for a festive visit. I suppose you could say it's just what I deserve, what with all the trouble I caused them when I headed home to shoot Sweet Tooth. Re-creating that church roof scene maybe wasn't the best idea, what with it being Easter Sunday and all. But it still makes me sick to think of those do-gooders cramming the pews preaching forgiveness to all when they're not even prepared to give the time of day to a girl whose only real crime was to head out of that place and make good of herself, even if it meant having to pull a bunch of her clothes off along the way.

This year, I'll be spending a quiet Christmas at home with my agent, my lawyer, the crew from Kola & Co, my cat Misty, my six dalmation puppies and my security guy, Kane, who's a six-foot-eight ex-champion wrestler. A typical Christmas Day will start with one of the crew banging my bedroom door around midday to tell me it's time to start shooting. I'll head down around two and find a whole heap of presents under the tree and my people sitting round waiting patient for me. All those pending libels and lawsuits over XXXmas Box may mean my days of unwrapping sports cars and plunge-pools are over for now, but it doesn't mean a girl can’t dream! This year my wish-list includes shoes and lingerie and a deep-fat fryer. Folk who know me know just how much I miss the fish and chips from back home, and when my chef left last year he hooked the last one out with him and I haven't had a decent chip since. Over here they go heavy on the stick-thin fries and there's no scraps in sight, no matter hard you try to explain them to restaurant folk.
My Christmas is just as much about giving as getting, so I'll hand out a bunch of extra-hot Kola 2011 Kalendars. They might not sound much but I'll have had them specially mocked up for the purpose and exclusively available only to my closest friends and also to you via my website, kolakubes.blogspot.com.
Where festive food's concerned, I can think of no better idea on Christmas Day than rustling up a bunch of special recipes straight out of my very own Kola's Khristmas Kookbook. It's just a little something I threw together based on my favourite festive flavours, and I have to say I was amazed by the response, even if the health folk kicked up a fuss over the calories. Personally, I'm a big fan of the Kola Roast Ham on page 23, followed by the Kola Pancakes, which never fail to hark me back to the days me and my brother Bobby would search the bare shelves in the static for the packets of Findus. There's something extra-special about gathering round the stove on Christmas Day with those you love most, sniffing up the treat that's soon in store.
This year, with our hectic schedule, we're having a change of plan and we'll be buying in fried chicken from a little place I know down the road who open up specially for the purpose. They'll chuck in a few extras to mark the occasion. We'll have buckets of fries - ordered thick as they can make them, but still not the same - and onion rings, and my all-time favourite super-giant five-litre tubs of double chocolate fudge cake ice cream. My record's ten minutes to scoop out a whole one, which I can't help but suppose is a talent I learned in my brief days as host of my very own competitive eating event, Kola's Khowdown, which aired on cable.
Afterwards I'll hook on my super-skimpy Santa outfit and perform my traditional live Kola's XXXmas WebKam for my fans. With all that action there likely won't be time for my traditional chocolate money hand-out for the homeless, but they can rest assured if I can't be out there on the streets with them, I sure will be in spirit. Later we'll lounge round the pool till late sucking down plenty of gallons of festive cheer. As far as I'm concerned, Christmas Day doesn't come a whole lot more perfect than that!

Kola Kubes donated a percentage of her fee for this article to the Kola Kubes Foundation. Follow Kola Kubes on Twitter @kolakubesXXX

XXXmas pics II

XXXmas pics

An exclusive still shot from Kola's controversial Christmas nativity movie, XXXmas Box, which was pulled by the distributors due to security threats.

Rear Of The Year

This is me in one of my favourite early poses, before Roscoe's pen-knife took its toll. What you can't see is I've got my head stuck out of the window and I'm chatting away to the neighbourhood boys. Little do they know I'm buck-naked!

Roscoe

The climactic scene in 'Sweet Tooth', in which I get to grips with a newly-endowed Roscoe. It won Best Scene at the 1996 XVNs and did more than anything else to launch me and Roscoe to global stardom. In 2000, XVN judges awarded it the prestigious 'Scene Of The Millennium'.

Interview

This is an interview Kola did with a Saturday magazine when she was just getting known:

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

You can't beat a good screw.

What is your greatest fear?

A world without sex.

With which historical figure do you most identify?

Ginger Lynn.

Which living person do you most admire?

My mum.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Sometimes I can get a little giddy.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Interfering.

What has been your most embarrassing moment?

You name it, I've done it.

What is your greatest extravagance?

My boobs.

What objects do you always carry with you?

My boobs.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

My boobs could be bigger.

What is your favourite smell?

Candyfloss.

Do you believe in capital punishment?

Yes.

Which words or phrases do you most over-use?

"Fuck me!"

What is your greatest regret?

It's not what you're thinking.

What would your motto be?

You only live once.

How would you like to die?

By orgasm.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

Don't take shit off nobody.

Sweet Tooth

This is a still from one of the most famous scenes in 'Sweet Tooth', in which my ateempts to steal the last batch of Golden Kubes from Dr Malteser's factory is thwarted by the unexpected return of Peachy Bonbon and, ultimately, Dr Malteser himself. This scene won the 1996 XVN Award for best threesome.

Early shot

This is maybe the first topless shot I ever did. We were messing in the caravan one day, me posing up and my brother clicking out the Polaroids. I just hooked up her top and told him, try this. He tried it all right. I don't mind admitting, I got a buzz like no other. There was pretty much no stopping me after this.

Kola Kubes

Sex star, serious actress, global icon, most wanted fugitive, all that shit. Most of all, Kola Kubes was my sister. The good folk of Fryup may have turned their backs on her on account of what she got up to, but far as I'm concerned they ought to be mighty proud of a girl who actually got up off her arse and made a little something of her life. It's too bad it went and ended the way it did, but if you read half the shit they spewed in the tabloids you might easy come round to reckoning it was best for all concerned. Well, I saw it as my duty to lay down her side of the story. I spent nights typing out how it was and it's too bad none of those publisher types have wanted so much as a whiff of it yet. That's why I figure this blog's better than nothing in the meantime. I'll post a few interview clips and one or two of our old Polaroid shots once I come round to daring. As Kola used to say, stuff has a habit of popping up when you least expect it.