from Sweet Tooth: The Ballad Of Kola Kubes
Kola was booked on a morning show. I knew it meant nothing but trouble. She had no business being on that early, specially after stripping late fourteen nights straight. She had no sleep. She was bleary-eyed. She looked drunk or high or both. She was bundled in a leopardskin mini. Her make-up was thick and wet. She giggled out a greeting. The guy presenter looked nervous. He made jokes about feeling fragile. He crossed his legs. The woman looked stern, disapproving. Kola giggled some more. He said, ‘big night?' She said, ‘uh-huh.' He couched a bunch of soft questions over how she was getting used to freedom. She slurred out answers. She flashed looks off-stage. She tugged at her top. It rode up her thighs. Her hair was frizzed. Her skin was sweat-glossy. The guy asked a question about how she felt raking in the cash over what she did.
MALE PRESENTER: Some people have an issue with you clearly profiting frmo what you did..
KOLA: I don't sleep awake, if that's what you're getting at.
MALE PRSEENTER [frowns]: You don't look like you get much sleep at all.
KOLA: [giggles] Nuh-huh [pause] I got branded, you know? I got branded. You want to see? [Kola starts to stand up]
MALE PRESENTER: It's a bit early for that sort of thing.
KOLA: It's never too late [Kola pulls a face at someone off stage, burps, giggles]
KOLA: [to man] You look hot.
MALE PRESENTER: Have you had a few stiffeners?
KOLA: I wish. Have you?
FEMALE PRESENTER: [cuts in] You were found guilty of quite an horrific crime.. [Kola gurns] ..nevertheless, a lot of people - a lot of women's groups, battered women's groups, feminists - they supported you through your trial. Supported your appeal. Because nobody's denying you suffered some horrific acts of violents against you.. but don't you think, with these posters, these centrefolds, how do you reconcile.. aren't you doing these groups a disservice? Aren't you, in a sense, throwing their support back in their faces?
KOLA: Nope. [pause] I ain't wearing no knickers. [Male presenter looks off-stage, frowns. Female presenter flaps the cake slice poster]
FEMALE PRESENTER: I mean, this poster..
KOLA:[under breath] Battered my arse.
FEMALE PRESENTER: Pardon?
KOLA: I said, battered my arse. I mean, I ain't against them or nothing, but, like, look at them. Look at them! I mean, some of them..
FEMALE PRESENTER: They make it up?
KOLA: I ain't saying..
FEMALE PRESENTER: They bring it on themselves?
KOLA: You're putting words.. you know, you gotta look after your man. You gotta give him what he wants. You gotta, you know, put some gob in it. You gotta look hot. [looks in camera, squeezes boobs] You got to get yourself some of these!
MALE PRESENTER [fumbling earpiece]: There's talk they might be getting bigger still..
KOLA: Oh, uh-huh. Yeah. You know what's the biggest boob size? Thirty-eight triple K. That's, like, a whole alphabet still to go! [waggles boobs] I'm having them filled with gelatine. You know what I mean? Like, jelly. Raspberry flavour. So they'll taste real sweet, you know? [Kola looks off-stage, mouths 'now?' She unfastens her top. Her boobs flop out]
KOLA: You want a lick? You want a lick, babe, huh? [Kola starts to stand. The camera swerves out, blurs up]
After the weather, the two sat stone-eyed on the sofa. Kola was long gone. The guy apologised. The woman glared hate. They changed their planned phone-in. They had a heap of women call in over what Kola had said. One said, 'she's a disgrace to womanhood.' Another said, 'she is frankly obscene.' Course, it hit the papers big-time.
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